My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
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Ummm
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds