Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
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hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.