for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
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My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Okey dokey.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”