Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
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My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
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After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Need WebMD
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
What fresh Hell is this?!?