[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
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A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Noted.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Someone just threatened to call me later