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[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”