When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
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ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
choose your gary
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher