Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
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my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I have a new favorite meme page
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.