[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
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Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no