[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
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Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
When you try jalapeños for the first time
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Not recommended for beginners.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.