Jupiter
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(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first