[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
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Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?