Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.