I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
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app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
cyclists
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.