[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
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[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?