Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
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Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Holy moly
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.