If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
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WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
me when the borders lift
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
superman landing like a plane on his belly
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.