My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
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Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.