“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
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I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Wait a minute
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.