You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
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What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
ACED my prostate exam!
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
the three branches of government
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.