If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
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Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED