I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
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[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.