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I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Facebook Twitter
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.