It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.