Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
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I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend