I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
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My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie