There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
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Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
lot going on here, legally speaking.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses