Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
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I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
How is it still this week?
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*