My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
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If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.