Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
You Might Also Like
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
#have a #great #PancakeDay
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.