Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
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ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.