The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
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HELP 😭
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
“I wouldn’t.”
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
I never know how much to tip a cow.