“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
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I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Sing it!
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Waiting for the Charmin
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
You deplete me
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.