If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
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A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
This sounds bad:
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents