Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
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*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.