I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
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-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
🤣dope
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I think they could have phrased this better
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”