Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
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*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
The best plant holders?
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.