If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
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No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle