I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
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Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
this makes me so uncomfortable
is this meant to deter me
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.