Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
You Might Also Like
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”