I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
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Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous