“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
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Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
[the middle of showering] I need a break
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.