“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
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*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.