I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
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Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Awesome parenting 😂
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?