With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
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People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
become ungovernable
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”