[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
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Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao