I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
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I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Smells like a challenge to me
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad