I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
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I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.