“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
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I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?