I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
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Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Just got to our Airbnb!
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.